*This article was originally on Kimberleygbueno.wordpress.org (3/8/16) and has just been moved to this website.
If you have ever experienced wanting to be someone’s close friend so badly, then you probably know how intoxicating it can be. It’s almost like you have a significant other, but platonic. Wanting to be someone’s friend can sometimes lead to losing oneself. It can also lead to constant anxiety and unneeded stress.
To the person I wanted to be best friends with,
It’s been a while since we had our deep chats together, but we both know why. We had a falling out. I just wanted to share how I felt and what was going through my head.
These are just some stages I went through trying to be your best friend:
1. I tried so hard to be part of your life
I felt like I was constantly doing my best to spend more time with you, but I was not receiving that same effort. I felt like it was becoming a chore to make sure that time was blocked off just so that I can see/talk to you for maybe an hour.
2. I wanted to spend so much time with you
I always wanted to be texting you and making sure that we were updating each other on life and gossip. I wanted to go on adventures with you and experience new environments with you.
3. I felt like I didn’t matter to you
Whenever I reached out, it would take hours for you to reply. Most of the time, we had to reschedule (though usually it just never happened). I had felt like I was taking 5 extra miles just to be a small part of your life. It seemed like it was so easy for you to make time for others, while I was just left pondering new ways for us to hang out.
4. I constantly felt envious
I was sometimes jealous that most people wanted to spend time with you. It was obvious that what you brought to the table was more appealing than what I had. It is like me bringing a cake to a party, but you show up with twenty boxes of pizza (cake < pizza? who knows).
5. You weren’t there for me
You weren’t there for me when I needed you most. I needed someone to listen to me repeat the same story over and over again and remind me that things will get better. I reached out to others who were able to deal with my complaints and irrational thoughts. I needed you, but you didn’t come through.
6. I needed to be away
I realized that I lost myself. I was trying so so hard to be part of your life that it clicked in my head that maybe we were growing apart and we just didn’t understand each other. I didn’t want to feel unwanted and hurt anymore. I knew I had to surround myself with those that made me feel like they still love me for the irrational thoughts and spontaneous sobbing outbreaks.
That’s why I’m not close to you anymore.
I’m sorry if I was the toxic friend, but I’m not sorry for furthering myself from you. I’m working on being okay by myself. I feel like I’m headed in a good direction. I’m really happy with the friends that I have and it is possible that one day we can rekindle our friendship. When that day comes, let’s both be better friends.
I do miss you. Don’t think otherwise.